To Post or Not to Post: A Perfectionist’s Dilemma
This probably should have been my first post, but I didn’t realize I would have such an internal struggle to publish my blog until it finally came down to clicking that “Launch” button. For a serious second, I considered not launching my site because the thought of other people reading my words terrified me. I thought maybe I could just write for myself and keep the blog private. But that seemed silly, and it wouldn’t be a blog at all, it would just be sad.
Why this internal dilemma? At first pass, someone might think that it’s because I’m introverted and putting myself out there was just too much against my nature. But that’s actually a common misconception of introverts. It’s not because we’re shy or quiet. In fact, the world would be remiss if all introverts balked at the idea of voicing their opinions. Imagine where we would be if people like Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr, or J.K. Rowling were too afraid to publish their thoughts! We’d still be living in a crappy reality where everyone was a muggle who thought separate was equal and E wasn’t mc2. #nothanks
At the foundation of my paralysis lies the folly of perfectionism. I have spent my whole life searching for the praise, acceptance and validation of others. I measured my own worth by what others thought and said about me. If someone disagreed with something I believed in, it was because I was not smart enough, or kind enough, or strong enough. If I wasn’t perfect, then I wasn’t anything. I’m sure that seems a little dramatic to some people, and we can get into the psychoanalysis of why I think the way that I do, but that’s probably enough content for six more blog posts, so I’ll defer that to a later time. To ensure that I would be liked by others, I adapted my personality to make the people around me comfortable. When I was younger, I copied the popular kids and avoided anything that went against the grain. As I started to grow up, I started forming my own opinions, but only expressed them if I was certain that others felt the same way. I did this for the better part of thirty-two years, and I am exhausted. Not only is it draining to keep track of everyone else’s feelings all the time, it can also stifle personal growth. When you live life in fear of conflict, you miss the chance to debate and learn.
I’m learning now that I can’t and don’t need to be everyone’s best friend. Some of the people who have known me for years might be surprised to read some of the things I share in this blog. They might not even recognize me. And for those who don’t know me, you will likely come across something that you don’t jive with. If that happens, I encourage you to challenge me and share a different perspective. But in the process of challenging me, I will challenge you to do it in a way that makes it impersonal and constructive. Express curiosity, not hatred. The world is too complicated to live in absolute certainties, and no one person is right about all matters-except maybe Ghandi, that dude was next level. By sharing this blog, I am pushing myself outside of my own comfort zone. I am laying down my arms and choosing to be vulnerable. I am making a commitment to be true to myself. I am doing all this because I deserve to unlock my own potential, and know I can do this through internal reflections and rumbling (heyo Brene Brown concept in the house) with perspectives that are different from my own. So thank you for reading, and thank you for sharing. I look forward to this journey with you.
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